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Ten Ton Tessie - I bet she was an agoraphobe

Here's something they never tell you about in all the literature about mental health conditions: Agoraphobia = massive weight gain. As if the indignity of the unplanned panic attack in front of people you've only just met wasn't enough to deal with, one also has do it while being really, really fat. Meh.

Yes. It's one of the co-morbidities that they don't mention. I suppose it's only simple physiology, really. In order to gain weight, you must take in more calories than you're expending. Since the majority of my last six months have been spent either a) sat frozen to the spot afraid to move, or b) laying in bed, frozen to the spot, afraid to move or c) asleep at various odd times of the day, that lovely state in which one doesn't have to worry about being afraid to move, it stands to reason that whatever I've taken in has gone straight to my hips, arse, thighs, boobs, face - in fact, quite nicely distributed over my entire body.

I've never been a small person. I'm never going to be of supermodel proportions, as I am British, and female, and have an unhealthy love of curry and real ale. But four years or so ago, when despite things being slightly better in the mental health department, I still was tipping the scales at almost a monstrous 21 stone - that's 289 pounds for the Americans among us - I decided enough was enough and headed off to my local Weight Watchers meeting, where I did staggeringly well and lost a little over four stone. I still wasn't slim; I was still, let's say, of 'ample proportions', but I got away with it. I can carry extra weight and still look, and feel, good.

But not this much. I hate it, and I hate myself; I look in the mirror and feel utter disgust and revulsion, which in turn, doesn't help with the agora/panic issues.

I have no idea how much I've put on. I'm probably back up to my pre-WW numbers - except it's not a number, right? - and it all seems to have piled on in the last few months.

This is making me extremely miserable. It also has the added bonus of making me want to go out even less than I already do, because I'm so ashamed of the way I look at the moment.

So, I have to do something about it. Were I not so afraid of anaesthesia, and dying on the operating table, I'd be sorely tempted into some sort of bypass. I have control issues, and really can't trust myself around food, and so I sometimes wish that weight-loss programmes could be akin to quitting smoking, i.e., you remove food from the equation altogether. I'm sure it would be much easier for me this way. But, since this really isn't an option, I need to look at other ways of doing it.

The other issue I have right now is that due to six months of really not working very much, and subsequently losing my flatmate, I'm completely broke, living on chocolate, toast, biscuits and Supernoodles. Due to ever shrinking safe zones, I'm limited to the few shops in the triangle that leads from the alleway, along the main road, and back to the end of my road again. This used to contain a nice healthy fruit & veg shop, but now doesn't, as they've closed down in the last couple of weeks. So, that's the Co-op, Costcutters, and the newsagents, then. They don't sell much healthy food.

My activity level is basically zero at the moment, and while I know that just moving more is the key to all of this (for the reverse is what's done the damage), the fear of pushing my body into increased heart-rates and sweating and breathlessness is just too much to deal with - just too much like how a panic attack feels. Even gentle walking will bring it on. Ironically, I know that the one thing that will help with the anxiety is exercise. But I just can't see how to force myself into it without inducing major, 999-dialling panic.

But I have to do something, before I end up on Jerry Springer, being lifted out of a window by a winch. So, all suggestions are gratefully received.

This being said, I have just developed the rather lovely anxiety symptom of difficulty swallowing, so the issue may just sort itself out :-)

55 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have no idea how practical a solution this is, money-wise, but some supermarkets will deliver to your door (f you're near enough to one, which I guess you probably are). You could then order in a week's worth of food all at once - planning what you'll eat, so you have lots of control over what you're eating, because if you don't have it in the house, you can't eat it (ban the takeaway menus. I don't have the willpower to resist those, so when I was losing weight I threw them all away and deleted the phone numbers from my mobile) - and you'd feel safe because if the worst ame to the worst you wouldn't have to venture out for food, or eat the first thing you could find.

And I can almost guarantee that no-one you met up with though any the less of you for having a panic attack. Not sure if that helps, but they wouldn't, honestly.

Sheenagh x

The Goldfish said...

I was also going to suggest delivery - if making yourself go out for food isn't something you need to do in order to get out at all. That way you've got choice and the opportunity to plan and control as Shennagh says. It's a few quid for delivery, but it'd probably work out cheaper than fast food from local independent shops.

Only downside I can envisage is that of course you book a delivery slot and the guy turns up at that time, so you have to commit in advance to being able to face opening the door at that time.

miles away said...

noodle soup.

lots of warming broth (good as it's winter) and add some spice (cheap!) and some noodles. Add some meat or meat substitute, frozen vegetables...boil...eat. a bit healthy, very warming, filling and cheap all in one!

either that, or a BIG vat of tea.

seahorse said...

I think supermarkets have to be the worst places to go when you are coping with anxiety. Sometimes you may have to, but online is easier and means you have saved that time to go somewhere or see someone who will bring positivity rather than fluorescence and beeping to your life. Goldfish is right about needing to be in for a certain time, but delivery peeps have seen me in all manner of states and always been absolutely lovely.
I discovered the best way to eat healthily and save money is to really plan your weekly shop. As Shennagh said, plan what you'll eat. Also, invest in a few herbs and spices. Then the plainest of matter can be transformed. Miles Away is spot on with broth and noodles. You can cook up your own noodle soup so cheaply. It's all about what flavours you add. And soup can be done in bulk (bit like mashed root veg) and then frozen for as and when.
Planning can be very satisfying. Spend half an hour doing a menu for the week ahead. Choose your online supermarket and look out for special offers. You can save a lot that way. But you can also end up buying two of something you don't really need. Never shop online when hungry.
My plan will generally take into account the fact that I don't want to cook every night. And I want to use the same ingredients but in different ways (cheap, easy, plus means you don't have well-intentioned vegetables languishing in the veg rack).
Off the top of my head (you can add meat to any of these):
Mon and Tue: some sort of casserole, possibly prepared on Sun with a couple of portions frozen for next week. Eat with baked spud or mash on Mon, couscous or bulgar wheat Tue.
Wed: Rice with vegetable stew/bake using same veg as casserole but cooked with different herbs (can't go wrong with frying an onion, adding chopped veg, bunging in tin toms, half a pint of stock and seasoning to your taste. Simmmer for 30 mins to an hour on low).
Thur: Easy, quick meal. Omelette with simple onion and veg filling? Grilled something on toast? Side serving of simple salad (not those bag things - God I hate those). Just a simple lettuce and cucumber or whatever.
Fri: Treat yourself. To my mind, dieting means moderation not denial. Allow yourself your fave meal but perhaps cook it a different way so it's healthier. Steam or grill things. Fish is always quick and easy - if you eat fish.
Sat: Sick of cooking? Chop some veg up (root veg or med stuff like peppers, courgette, red onion etc). Put in oven dish. Sprinkle over garlic and herbs, drizzle oil and bake for 40 mins. Put feet up. Take out, eat with rice, pasta, whatever.
Sun: Once you're in a rhythm there may be something in the freezer you've already prepared and frozen ;-)
For the store cupboard...pesto and baked beans, cheap pasta sauce. Sometimes we are so broke around here that we just live out of the store cupboard. But I do believe planning is what helps you eat more cheaply. Here endeth the comment.

Migraineur said...

I like the delivery idea! As you know from reading my blog, I'm not so down with the starches and sugars, though, but I understand the difficulty of living on a minimal income. Try to get as much protein as you can afford, because protein and fat regulate appetite. Over here in the US, chicken thighs are about $1.89/lb, and a frozen diet dinner is like $3.99. And you will get two or three meals from the chicken, in all likelihood. Eggs are cheap, too.

I agree with seahorse, too - supermarkets are anxiety inducing. I don't like them, and I don't even have agora.

Best of luck to you!

bohémienne said...

Oh honey. Big hugs to you.

I had the great pleasure of listening to someone speak recently of her eating disorder. She talked about the need for children to be taught how to express feelings, that so many of us don't know how, and have to divert them into other behaviours. She also talked about how her eating disorder became her only 'friend', the thing that was hers, when she had feelings to deal with that she didn't know what to do with. She likened it to being alone on the ocean, and a distant shore where all the 'normal' people waved to her, encouraged her to swim over, but how she felt that she was drowning and only her eating disorder was there floating beside her, for her to grab onto to. She knew logically that she could swim to shore, but that's not how it felt... it felt that if she let go of the eating disorder, she would go under.

I felt, listening to her, that she could have been describing any behaviour that we cling to when we don't 'need' to in reality. I identified greatly.

Anonymous said...

First of all God bless you, I know what you're going through. Owing to a difficult childhood and youth I had issues very similar to yours when I was young, but - most important - I DID get better. I struggled, and still do at 53 in some ways, but it gets better, believe me, if you only find a way to break the vicious circle. What helped me stabilize my weight was lots and lots of water before meals. It fills you up and curbs your appetite. Apples and pears are a good appetite-damper too. Mushrooms have very few calories; a nice generous mushroom ragout in tomato sauce is filling and not fattening. And of course, I agree about the good old noodles - only watch the sauce! With tomato sauce or veggies they make for a satisfying meal.
Also, you MUST exercise. Set yourself reasonable goals. You can do it. I was agoraphobic and going out of the house was an ordeal in the beginning, but I took it slowly. At first I simply put on some happy music and walked on the spot at home for 10 minutes. Then some stretching exercises. Lots of magazines have articles about exercising. Do what you can, it's not a competition. After a while venture outside. Take short walks, then a bit longer. When you are confident enough, how about a dog? It helped me build my confidence no end. But not too soon - you have to be fit enough, or you and the dog might suffer.
I used to be a mess, believe me. If I managed to break the circle, you can too. It takes time but don't let go of your goal. It will be worth it. I wish you the best of luck!
Dita

Vern Buchanan said...

Like panic disorder, agoraphobia is one of several anxiety disorders. Agoraphobia may occur with or without panic disorder, but it is most frequently seen with panic disorder. If treated quickly and properly, panic disorder may not progress to agoraphobia. Once the condition progresses, it is all the more difficult to treat. http://www.xanax-effects.com/

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